What You Never Knew
by cappuchoni
Summary: Riley stumbles upon a book in her room that she's never seen before. She discovers its an old journal of Maya's from years ago. She didn't want to invade her privacy, but they don't have any secrets from each other... right?
1. Chapter 1

Riley Matthews hated spring cleaning. Every April her parents forced her to clean out her room for old books and clothes to donate. It was for a good cause, but it took an entire week out out of her life every year.

She began to scoop piles of junk out from under her bed.

"Gah this is dusty," she coughed out, frustrated. A small brown leather notebook came zooming out with with her miss matched shoes and discarded school supplies. "What's this?" she asked herself as she picked it up. It wasn't a book she had ever seen before.

Riley opened it to be greeted by her best friend's handwriting. She was about to close it, not wanting to invade Maya's privacy, when her name caught her eye. They weren't supposed to have secrets from each other. If there were no secrets reading this wouldn't tell her anything she didn't already know.

 _9-2-15_  
 _I stopped on my way home today and bought you. It feels really awkward writing my feels down in a book, but my therapist said it may help. Riley doesn't know I've been seeing a therapist since my dad left. It's where I disappear to every first Wednesday of the month right after school. She already thinks I'm broken. I don't need her knowing this. Lately I've started feeling weird and Dr. Branford thought writing it down would help. I'm not sure what to write really… The only thing I know is that I can't stop thinking about her. It's scaring me._

 _9-13-15_  
 _Well it's me again. This feels stupid. I can't believe I have to write in this stupid book._

 _9-28-15_  
 _I couldn't stop looking at her today. I think I did it too long. She's so pretty though. How can she be so pretty?_

 _10-17-15_  
 _Am I dating Lucas? How did this happen? She pushed us together to make me happy. I should like him, he is a boy. I'll try to because she seems to want me to._

 _10-18-15_  
 _I dumped a smoothie on his head. Good times._

 _1-1-16_  
 _I don't know what happened last night. I'm so confused I have to get this out. She still has feelings for Lucas. I don't want her with Lucas. I don't want to be with him either. I don't understand what's going on. Sometimes I wish that stupid Huckleberry would just go away. Of course I don't mean it. He's my friend. Things with her were just so much easier before._

 _5-21-16_  
 _I let another couple months go buy since I wrote in you last. This month has been hard. She changed our window… Everything is changing. Why can't things stay the same? Why do we have to grow up?_

 _6-4-16_  
 _How are you so perfect, Riles? Everything you do is perfect. When you're goofy you're perfect. When you're serious you're perfect. I don't get it._

 _7-15-16_  
 _I'm not sure when writing in this became talking to you. I'm supposed to tell you everything, but some things I can't… I don't know why. My doctor was right. I was keeping a lot inside. I'm still trying to work through it all._

 _7-23-16_  
 _Summer is almost over. This sucks. How many more years do we have to do this? Just promise you're always going to be there with me. As long as we're together I can make it through this._

 _8-15-16_  
 _I'm in a hole. I'll stick by you no matter what, Riles, but we're in a hole!_

 _8-23-16_  
 _You're scared to show people the real you. I don't understand that. You're wonderful. There isn't a thing wrong with you, Riley. You're perfect. You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are. I'm the broken one. There isn't a person alive who wouldn't love you._

 _9-6-16_  
 _I got an A! I'm so proud of myself! You got a D… I wish you had gotten an A too so you could be happy with me. I just want you to be proud of me._

 _9-9-16_  
 _I painted a purple cat today. I'm scared._

 _9-12-16_  
 _Ok… so I'm me again. I've got the clothes. I need to do something. You think I'm going to set off a fire alarm or steal. First thing, Riley, do you honestly think I'd steal from your mom's place? That kind of hurt. I need to do something big. I don't know what to do. I'm me but I don't feel like me! I feel lost. I don't know what I like anymore. I don't like Lucas… I don't think I like Lucas. I'm still jealous… Nothing makes sense anymore!_

 _9-13-16_  
 _So I got arrested, sort of. You changed me, Riley. I had the brick. I had the hammer. I did nothing. You've given me hope. I'm not supposed to hope! How do I get you out of my head. How do I get this Dorothy voice out of my head? I can't do anything without thinking of you. These girls tried to hurt you, Riley. They used to be friends of mine, and they tried to hurt you… I can't let anyone hurt you ever. I chased after them for trying. You're the most important person in my entire life, Riles… You make me strong… and really really confused._

 _9-16-16_  
 _You did that thing again today. You put your hand under my chin and turned my head to look at you. I couldn't help but look down at your lips. I wanted to kiss them so badly. I figured out what these feelings have been at that moment. This was never about Lucas. I want to be with you. Hope is for suckers._

 _9-17-16_  
 _I'm in love you. There I said it! I hate myself for it, but it's the truth._

 _9-24-16_  
 _NATURE! I missed you on the hike today. I wish I could have stayed back at the lodge with you, but if I had Farkle would be dead so at least I did something good._

 _9-25-26_  
 _Conversation is the most important part of any relationship. We talk all the time, but I guess it's my fault for only telling you half of what I'm feeling. Adventure and Romance… that's us. That should be us. I told Lucas to go to you today. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I told him to tell you he loves you… I wish I could be the one telling you that, but you don't want to hear it from me._

 _9-26-16_  
 _I want to punch him. I want to throw him on the ground and beat the crap out of him. He took you away from me! I know I told him to go to you, but now I want to take it back! It's never just us anymore. He is always there. You used to hold my hand. I want to rip his hand from yours because that's where mine should go! Not his! Are you blind? How can you not see that I love you? What does he have that I don't have…besides anatomy. Why did I have to be born a girl? If I was a boy you'd want me. If I was a boy I could kiss you like he gets to._

 _10-2-16_  
 _Shawn married my mom today. I have a dad who loves me. I forgot what that feels like. I tried not to, but I pictured my wedding… you were the one next to me. I'm a mess, Riles. I don't know what to do. It hurts to not be with you. It's messed me up real bad for so long. I should be so happy right now, but all I can think about is how you held onto me on the roof and the feeling of your arm around me._

 _10-10-16_  
 _Never lose that spark in your eyes, Riley. I was so scared you were going to lose yourself. I already did that. You need to be you, Riles. I don't know what I'd do without you. Don't let this stupid messed up world we live in change you._

 _10-15-16_  
 _You lost your teddy bear today. Beary the Bear-Bear. I wasn't as supportive as I should be. I've been trying to deal with all of these feelings and I couldn't handle it! Yet, in the end you still put me first. I really don't deserve you. Zay asked me out. He said its so I don't feel like a third wheel. I think he knows. How does everyone see it besides you? Or is it that you do see it and you don't want to tell me? I know you'd never hurt me…is that why you're pretending you don't see how I look at you?_

 _10-16-16_  
 _Today you told me you wanted to go to Ireland with me. I hur-hured you. That's what I did to Lucas when you thought he was who I had feelings for. Is it clear now? How can I make you see it? You're the one I want._

 _10-19-16_  
 _I'm gay. I've been fighting it. First I admitted I was in love with you and that was hard enough. I don't like boys… I tried! I tried to like Lucas… I tried to like your uncle. I don't want a nice guy. I don't want any kind of guy. I want a nice girl. I want you, but you aren't mine to have. You'll never think of me like this. You're with Lucas. You do like boys. You have the nicest boy there is. He's perfect for you. I want to dump another smoothie on his stupid perfect cowboy head._

 _10-21-16_  
 _Why is your dad teaching our health class? I cannot learn about sex from your dad. I can't be learning about things I want to do with you from your dad. I just admitted I wanted to have sex with my best friend. I'm hopeless. At least you'll never read this, Honey. There would be no coming back from that._

 _10-26-16_  
 _Your dad asked if we were important. No one is important except for you, not to me. I'm not even important. Maybe that's why you don't see this. You're the most important person on earth. You're my light, Riles. I guess I'm lucky enough to be able to bask in your glow._

Riley could not believe her eyes. Every entry was about her. There were dozens more just the same. Maya Hart, her best friend in the world, had been in love with her for the entirety of their high school lives. Passage after passage describing how perfect she saw Riley and how broken and undeserving she saw herself. Riley flipped to the latest page, desperate to see if Maya still felt the same after all this time.

 _3-9-20_  
 _Wow, I can't believe I forgot about this old book. What do I say anymore? You know everything… but then again, you don't know anything actually. The real you still doesn't know. Telling you is the hardest thing I would ever have to do in my life, because I am so afraid that once you learn the truth you are going to leave me._

 _The thing is, I've been in love with you since we were kids. You never noticed me staring at you. It was always you who looked away first, while I was mesmerized._

 _We graduate high school soon, and soon you will be gone… first college, then forever… married to some Huckleberry Ranger Rick… maybe not Lucas… maybe some other cowboy… but whoever it is they won't be good enough for you. No one is good enough for you._

 _I am not good enough for you._

 _Why did this have to happen to me? Why couldn't I be normal, Riley? Why did I have to… I shouldn't feel like this. I am so sorry._

 _I still don't know what to do about college. I haven't told you I was accepted because I know you'll want to room together… it would be too hard. It's hard enough being around you without seeing you every minute of the day. I can't imagine waking up in the same room and not being able to kiss you good morning. I'm going to die never knowing what it was like to kiss you… that hurts so much._

 _I don't know why I'm writing this… Maybe if I get all of this out the feelings can go away? It hasn't worked the thousands of other times I tried. This time could be different. Maybe this time I can erase these feelings._

 _I know it won't work. No matter how hard I try I can't fall out of love with you._

"Riles?"

Riley looked up from what she was reading, her cheeks stained with fallen tears, "I didn't know, Peaches."

"Didn't know what? What are you reading?" As Maya walked closer she saw her own script adorning the pages of the book Riley had open on her lap. She froze, her heart stopping as her worst fears came crashing down around her.

"Why didn't you tell me?"


	2. Chapter 2

"No. no. This isn't real," Maya stuttered on. "No-no-no-no." She took a few steps backwards until she collided with Riley's closed bedroom door and slid down until she was sitting on the floor. Her eyes were blank and her face stark white. Maya had never had a panic attack before, she was pretty sure that's what she was experiencing. Her heart ached, and she had trouble breathing. This was the moment she would lose her best friend, she was sure of it. Why did she have to write that all down? Why did she have to lose it the last time she stayed over at Riley's? "I'm dreaming. Not real. I'll open my eyes, and I'll be home. This isn't happening." She had her eyes clamped close as she rocked back and forth, trying to convince herself this wasn't real. If she tried hard enough maybe she could will this day away.

"Maya, calm down. Peaches? Talk to me. How do I get you to calm down?" Riley did the only thing she could think of, something she had been wanting to do for months now but was too afraid. She kissed her.

Maya did not move. She was motionless, staring off into space.

"Oh my god I broke you! And don't tell me you've always been broken, because you know I've never thought that about you."

A smile slowly started creeping across Maya's lips as she sat there, trying to process what had just happened.

Riley pulled out her phone, "What do I even look up? How to bring someone out of shock? Maya, how do I fix you?"

A weak voice answered, "You could try doing that again."

Riley turned to her, "Peaches!" She ran back over and crouched down in front of her.

Maya looked up into her eyes. Her voice sounded so small to Riley, "Is this real?"

"It's real, Maya."

"You kn-know?" The words were jagged and full of uncertainty. Despite it just having happened, Maya still could not believe this was happening.

"I do."

"You kissed me?"

"I did. I… I'd like to do it again too," Riley blushed.

"You would?"

Riley nodded at her. "More than anything. Why don't we get you off the floor first though?"

She let Riley take her hands and pull her to her feet. They stood there, staring at one another without a word being shared.

"Why did you keep this a secret for so long?"

Maya dropped her head, looking at their feet, ashamed to make eye contact. "I… I couldn't risk losing you. I was scared."

"I can't blame you. I've been keeping a secret too," Riley confessed.

Her head snapped back up, eyes locking with Riley's, "You have?"

Riley nodded, "I've had feelings for you too. Not nearly as long as you have, or at least if I did I didn't realize it."

"That kiss was because you wanted to?"

"I already said I wanted to again, didn't I?"

Maya blushed, "I guess I'm still in a little bit of shock."

Riley grinned seductively, "Well, we know what helped with that the last time." She leaned in to capture Maya's lips, taking the lead while Maya followed. Riley pulled away when she tasted salt, "Maya? Are you crying?"

"I'm so happy. I can't believe this is real!"

"It's real, Peaches." Riley brushed the fallen tears away from Maya's face. "It's happening."

Maya looked up at her, nodding. She glanced down at Riley's lips, something she had been doing for years, but for the first time she allowed herself to act on her feelings. In less than a second she had closed the space between them once again. Her hands found their way into Riley's hair, as she gripped on for dear life. There was no coming up for air, if they paused for only a moment maybe this wouldn't happen again. This could be the only time this happens. Maya wouldn't blame Riley if she never wanted to do this again. _But gods was it perfect_. She was being led backwards to the bed. Riley was leading her to the bed. _Oh my god. This can't mean what I think it means. Don't jump to conclusions, Hart. You only kissed her for the first time a minute ago!_

Soon they were laying side by side on top of Riley's deep purple comforter. Their hands were intertwined as their lips danced with one another.

"Maya," Riley pulled back. Maya let out a disappointed moan at the lack of contact. "I know you've never said it out loud, but I wanted you to know that I'm in love with you too. I love you."

"I love you too," she responded getting lost in Riley's eyes. "Riles?"

"Yes, Peaches?"

"Will you… um… will you go out with me?" _Don't get your hopes up. She loves you, but she may not want this. Don't forget hope is for suckers_. "I know it would mean coming out… both of us… and I don't know if thats something you'd want…"

"Yes!"

"… and I don't know what any of this means. It would be huge… and…"

"I said yes, Maya."

"Wait… you said yes?" She started to laugh, a huge smile on her face. "You said yes!"

"Our friends will support us no matter what. It's always been you and me against the world. We can handle whatever happens."


	3. Chapter 3

_4-4-20_

 _You kissed me. Now you're my girlfriend. I can't believe this is really happening! I could scream. I just did. I screamed in my room. Shawn and my mom just came running in to make sure I was ok. I'm so happy I lost this stupid book last month and that you found it because NOW YOU'RE MY GIRLFRIEND! There is no calming me down right now._

 _We told your parents before I came home. Well… told isn't the right word. They sort of walked in on us making out on your bed. I WAS MAKING OUT WITH YOU ON YOUR BED! They didn't seem to care. Your mom pulled me into a hug and started crying. Your dad said this was a long time coming and asked what took us so long. It was weird. They were weird. The kissing on the bed part was amazing._

 _I feel we need to discuss that kissing for a minute. How did you learn to kiss like that? Wait… I don't want to know. I don't want to think about it. All I care about is that no one besides me will ever be able to kiss you like that again. You're stuck with me now._

 _4-5-20_

 _I'm about to leave to go to your house to take you out… on a date. I'm taking Riley Matthews out on a date. I've tried pinching myself 10 times already to make sure I'm not dreaming. My arm is red and blotchy to prove it. I'm so nervous, which is why I'm writing this down. I have the night all planned, but I'm sure something is going to go wrong. Things don't go this right for me. I don't get the girl, but I DID. Riles, I'm freaking out. I hope you like what I have planned. To tell you the truth I've sort of had this planned for years, just incase I ever had the chance._

 _4-6-20_

 _We came out to our friends today at school. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but whatever it was it wasn't this. Not one of them was even a little surprised. Lucas hugged me in congratulations! I would have thought he'd be angry. Zay said it was about time. Farkle and Smackle cheered. Every person in history class was happy for us. I need to take a shower from all the hugging! You kept that silly bear in your backpack with you all day. I didn't think you'd ever cling to another stuffed animal as much as you did with Beary, but you proved me wrong. I knew you'd enjoy Build-A-Bear… I've been wanting to take you there since you lost Beary Freshman year. You even had me kiss the heart before they stuffed it. I'm still having trouble believing this is real._

 _4-12-20_

 _I slept over at your place last night, something I've done thousands of time. This time was different. This time I was able to wrap my arm around you while we slept. We fit perfect together._

"Maya, I've always been stuck with you," Riley said as she looked up from the journal, referencing one of the entries.

"Is this going to be some ongoing thing?" Maya asked as she climbed through the Bay Window. "Journals are supposed to be private, Honey."

"Well, I have it on good authority you are happy I read it," she said holding up the small book.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Maya crossed the room and jumped on top of Riley, who was laying on the bed.

"No more secrets, Peaches."

"I promise."

"Now let me see your arm," Riley insisted.

"What? Why?"

She held up the book, "I need to make sure you aren't pinching yourself too hard."

Maya lunged for the book, "Ok, give me that back."

"No!" Riley stretched her arm out of reach of shorter girl.

"I have my ways of getting that back from you, Riles."

She glared up at Maya, "Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try."

"You're going to be sorry, Riles," she taunted her before beginning a tickle attack.

"Maya! Stop. Uncle, uncle. I give up! Take it."

"See, I told you I had my ways," Maya said as she took the journal from Riley and tossed it onto the floor.

Riley looked up at her, short of breath, "You know… you were right about something else too. We do fit perfectly together."

"You're going to ruin my reputation, Matthews."

"I love you, Peaches," she said looking up at her.

"You realize I _have_ to kiss you now."

Riley nodded at her as Maya leaned down to close the space between them.


	4. Chapter 4

_Dear Peaches,_

 _I've read your journal. I've gotten to see the most intimate parts of your mind. It only felt fair that you get to do the same, which is why I'm writing this. If I had kept a journal I would have shown that to you, but I didn't so I hope this letter will suffice. Unfortunately I didn't realize what I was feeling when we young like you did. We lost so much time._

 _I promised no more secrets... so its time I hold up my side of that._

 _I don't know when I realized I was in love with you. I think it was sometime around junior year. I went out on a date with Lucas. Things got physical… I'm sorry I never told you about it. I stopped it before it got too far. My point is when you're being physical with your boyfriend the last thing you should be thinking of is your best friend._

 _He had his hands on me… under my shirt. They were rough. I thought of your hands, how they felt when I held them in mine. You have the softest hands. I love holding your hands. I imagined what it would be like if was your hands touching me like that. That's when I pushed him off of me. I could tell I hurt him. It was awful._

 _For weeks I struggled with what I was feeling. I was confused as you were… I just never wrote my feelings down to work through them. Thinking about your hands turned into thinking about your lips. Somehow I started looking at them when we talked. You have the most beautiful lips._

 _You are perfect Maya. I know you always thought you were broken, but I never thought of you like that. I've realized my feelings for you for over a year and during that entire time I thought I was the one who wasn't good enough for you. You have the best heart of anyone I know. You are so strong. You're everything I ever wanted to be, and it turns out you're everything I ever wanted for myself._

 _I love you. Alway. Forever. Thunder. Lightning._

 _You are my soul mate, Maya._

 _Your Riles_

Maya looked up from the paper, her face stained with the tears that fell while she read, to meet Riley's eyes. The brunette was waiting expectantly for her response.

"God I love you," Maya said desperately.

"I love you."

Maya pulled Riley into her so they tumbled back onto the pillows. "Thank you for writing that for me, Honey. I still can't believe this is really happening. Riley Matthews is in love with me."

"She is… I am. Forever."

"Don't tease me, Matthews," Maya looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

"I wouldn't do that. I'd never do that. Maya, you're my extraordinary relationship. I want this… _us_ … to be forever."

Maya nodded, the tears beginning to form in her eyes again. "Thunder?"

Riley smiled, a slight giggle escaping her lips, "Lightning."


End file.
